Bradley's Buzz

Miss Piggy's (and Bradley's) Guide To Life

A few years ago, my pal Patrick bought me one of the best and most rare of all books - the Miss Piggy's Guide To Life. A book written by that oh so stylish and talented pig that takes you through the journey of what it's like to be a top notch celebrity who has dabbled in modelling, singing, acting and eating. Ironically, (I think it's ironic) as I read through the book, I realized a lot of it really spoke to me; and when someone else who read it announced, "You do live your life like Miss Piggy," I realized that pig was onto something.

To celebrate the Muppets 50th Anniversary, and a special bash at the Radio & Television Museum who will be airing Miss Piggy's first (and only) variety special from 1982, I thought I would share some of Miss Piggy's more random and thought provoking guides to life...

On parties:
"A fairly common social gaffe committed by well meaning people is to call up on the day of the party to inquire if there is anything they can bring. Never do this. It suggests that you think your hosts are not capable of shopping for themselves or are the sort of people who are so hopelessly absentminded they are even likely to have forgotten something important - like dessert."

Breaking the ice:
"While you and your hosts are waiting for latecomers to arrive, it is up to you to make conversation. Remember, your hosts don't want to talk about their interests, or their house or their hobbies and occupations. They already know all about those. What they want to hear is about you. Their anecdotes and jokes are pretty familiar to them by now; yours are fresh."

Excercise:
"the object of exercise is to achieve your beauty aspirations without perspiration."
everyone "should include a regular sports program in thier schedule. In most areas, one or more television stations offer a good selection of such programs to choose from."

"I find that a vigorous round of shopping, at least one store an hour, is both stimulating and refreshing. (A word of warning, if you are a little out of condition, I would begin with some light window shipping and build up gradually from there.)

GOOD LOOKS YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BE BORN WITH
For the "thin" look - buy clothes two sizes too big
For the "glamorous" look - choose plain looking dining companions.

On Money:
"Many people think money is something to be set aside for a rainy day. But honestly, how much money do you really need for a dozen or so hours of inclement weather?"

"Large amounts of paper money are a fire hazard, and the prudent individual sees to it that major accumulations are avoided. Although purse blazes are a relatively uncommon occurence, there is just no reason to be smug or complacent about the potential threat."
(That goes for wallets too)

"You also want to make doubly sure that your checkbook is balanced - that is, that the colors of your checkbook, your checkbook cover and your purse do not clash."

ON COOKING:
"Consult Mrs. Bell's wonderful "cookbook", Place your order, When the doorbell rings, take the food from the delivery man.. and serve."

BIRTHDAYS:
"The celebration of une's birthday is too critical a matter to be left to chance. Long in advance of the date, you should take advantage of the opportunity presented by visits to friends' homes to unobtrusively circle the date on their calender and write a teensy reminder. Whenever making appointments or dates, always use your birthday as a convenient benchmark. "I will see you for lunch on the twenty-third," you might remark, casually adding, "which, as you may recall is only forty-four days before my birthday." A week before your birthday, a formal announcement should be sent.

ON ROMANCE:
"What to do if a man you like, and who likes you, still wants to date others?"
Although this is by definition a somewhat emotional matter, you should approach it in a calm, reasonable, mature way. What i would do is calmly, reasonably and maturely explain to him that if he values his life, he should change is behavior.

"Is there a 'cure' for a broken heart?"
Only time can heal your broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs.

and finally, I'll leave you with a letter to the divine Miss P from "Bleacher Bum":

"Dear Miss Piggy,
If a base runner is struck by a foul ball that bounces off a wall into fair territory and hits him, is he out?"

Dear Bleacher Bum,
Well, I don't know. I suppose if it hit him in the head, he would at the very least be woozy for a bit. What is this person running from? And what is so foul about that ball? Did someone drop it in something messy? Moi needs facts!

posted by swivek @ 8:47 AM