Bradley's Buzz

The Great Ant Massacre of '06

I just had the most horrifying experience, and felt it was only right to share it with you - my two readers. This story has it all, pain, horror, insects and death. It all began innocently enough with an empty bowl and a bathroom sink....

This morning I brought some oatmeal to work, a little breakfast while perusing the internet and taking phone calls. After I finished my oatmeal I rinsed out the bowl and left it sitting on the sink in the bathroom. All was forgotten until I went in there to get the bowl and put it in my take home bag of dishes.

Immediately I was horrified to find not one or two ants around the bowl but the entire ant population of West Hollywood, all around the rim, inside the bowl and a huge line of would be oatmeal pests going across the bathroom counter, up the side of the wall, back down the other side of the wall and into the tiniest little hole next to the toilet. I was freakin' out. First of all, I realized those pesky little ants had probably been watching me on the porcelain throne for weeks before getting up the nerve to march towards my tupperware.

But to see all of them there it was like a frickin' horror movie, so I did the only thing I could think of - I grabbed a big white bottle of Formula 409 and started spraying as if my life depended on it! I sprayed the bowl, I sprayed the counter, I sprayed the wall and the hole, and as those little bastards teetered and fell over, I grabbed paper towel and cleaned them up. Now I wonder if any of them got away, and perhaps ran their little bodies to their nest declaring, "Gone! They're all gone! It was the worst thing ever. We were just eating some giant pieces of oat and this acid rain came down, it was terrifying!"

But maybe that will teach those little bugs not to mess with a hungover blonde with access to 409.

posted by swivek @ 3:58 PM